So what is a conscious relationship? What does that mean?
Both partners agree to commit and unite in love through being open and conscious enough to recognize their individual habitual patterns and the trauma being triggered by one another. And they face them head on as a team so that they can heal individually and thus be more conscious and capable in how they bring love, intimacy, depth, and beyond to one another in any given moment.
The 5 Foundational Pillars of a Lasting, Love-Filled, Conscious Relationship
1. They need to be the right person.
We can debate all day about what that means objectively in relation to the aspects above, but we each know when we are with someone we can’t keep our hands off of, we think about all the time, we visualize a future with, and we simply can’t imagine not by our side. Simply put, we are in love and we know it.
Important to note: This means we also need to be acutely aware and conscious of our own unhealthy patterns in partners, what is healthy for us and who/what is unhealthy for us. If you feel they are the wrong person or “something is just missing” and you can’t put your finger on it, you need to look in the mirror at your attachment patterns and wounds before blaming them for their shortcomings.
If you have truly done this, and you feel it isn’t something that needs to be healed or worked through personally, it likely means they simply aren’t the right partner for you. Even if they check a lot of the boxes on paper and you have deep love for them.
At the end of the day, you have to trust your heart and your higher self, even if it doesn’t logically make sense. But for the love of god, don’t trust your ego or patterns. It is really easy to mistake the two.
2. You don’t need to have everything in common and like all of the same things.
In fact, not liking all of the same things or being the same person means you will be challenged to go outside of your comfort zone consistently. This is a beautiful opportunity to explore yourself, explore your partner, challenge yourself, and try new things in the world you otherwise never would have tried. And the research shows that this adventurous, on-your-toes mentality keeps the spark alive. So, be different. Differences can actually be better for the relationship.
3. You don’t need to be at the same levels of growth and personal development.
We weren’t. But both partners need to be open and committed to doing whatever it takes to be a healthier and more healed partner, individually. And likely for one partner this will be easier or harder and less or more natural. But it is a crucial conscious choice, nonetheless.
4. You don’t need to be perfect in the relationship or be in the perfect relationship.
You don’t need to be the perfect dream partner and have healed all of your stuff, and neither does your partner.
I wasn’t perfect in the relationship and neither was she. I wasn’t fully healed and neither was she. But I realized this didn’t matter; what mattered was how consistently and consciously we questioned our beliefs, perceptions, and patterns and strived to be and do better for ourselves and the relationship out of love and respect for one another. Which brings me to the last, and most important foundational pillar at number five…
5. Both partners need to be equally committed to looking at themselves first and foremost.
They have to be willing to do whatever they can to become more aware of the projections, wounds, and trauma that are limiting the amount of love, intimacy, and healing energy they bring to each moment, and to the relationship as a whole.
Then from this conscious space they have to engage in the work, as a couple, to heal and grow together while staying deeply committed and devoted to the container of the relationship. Put simply, they both need to want it and be willing to do what it takes. This is where we as a couple really broke down.
At the end of the day, every romantic relationship, and every interaction and moment with another human being for that matter, is an opportunity to help heal one another or an opportunity to wound one another further.
We can consciously choose courage, humility, and a deep commitment to the love and the circle of the relationship by remaining open-hearted and expressing and owning our hurt in the face of our wounds being triggered; or we can cower and blame other(s) and situations, close our hearts, say and do hurtful things, and run away—only continuing the cycle of wounds and trauma and ensuring the same relationship patterns with any new partners we bring into our lives.
It is also extremely important to note that not everyone is ready for this type of conscious relationship. Frankly, most people are not. And this is why the majority of relationships and marriages that could last, don’t.
You might not be ready, or maybe your partner isn’t. You can try and try to get on the same footing, but if someone you love simply isn’t in that conscious space or isn’t ready to at least try and do the real work and take responsibility for their experience, pushing them over and over becomes abusive. And this is something I had to realize and make peace with in my relationship.
No matter how hard it is to accept because of how much we may love them, we have to know when it is time to release someone and wish them well on their own unique healing journey.
We have to know when to move on from someone who isn’t capable of or willing to put in the work and effort, at this point in their journey, to create a healthy conscious relationship and to heal themselves at that level.
And while letting that person go will be one of the most difficult things you’ll ever do—it was for me —it is also the only healthy and loving choice one can make in that situation. For yourself and for them.
We must keep faith and know that someone just as amazing, who is ready to do the work and be a conscious and devoted partner, will eventually come into our life. I truly believe this will happen for me and everyone on this planet that wants it, as long as we are committed to becoming more conscious, more loving, and doing our own deep inner work.