8 Issues You Need to Fight About BEFORE You Get Married

This may come as a surprise, but fighting is something that happy couples do—and can actually help build a strong marriage. My husband and I had some memorable clashes during our engagement period, which functioned kind of like throwing cargo off a ship to help it float more effectively and smoothly.

And don’t just take my word for it: I checked in with a couple of qualified professionals to learn more about how fighting can help marriages and what couples should fight about before they tie the knot. Clinical psychologist Carla Gabris, Ph.D., and Eleanor Yoo, a counselor with a masters in marriage and family therapy, discuss how you can fight fair about family, in-law boundaries, religion, chores, money and debt, and your love languages.

“The biggest reason marriages end in divorce is a breakdown in communication,” Yoo says. “Regardless of whether or not a couple can come to a complete agreement on all these topics is less important than the fact that they keep talking, negotiating, and wanting to come up with a solution together.”

“It is very important to start sentences with ‘I feel,’ not ‘you make me feel,'” Gabris says. “You want to avoid accusations, which ultimately put your partner on the defense.” She recommends perspective-taking and empathy on a regular basis. This means instead of pushing your point of view, you should practice putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and be intentionally compassionate.

Now that you know the rules, go get those gloves on.

1. Do you want to make a person (or five)?

“Most couples discuss whether or not they want children, and how many (although they usually change that number after having them),” Gabris says. But with so many couples marrying later in life than they once did, it may also be worth delving into what happens if kids don’t happen. “Will you pursue fertility treatments, adoption, or choose to be childless?”

Gabris says that it’s important to also discuss how to spend money on children. “Does one of you believe ‘the best things in life are free’, while the other believes ‘you get what you pay for?’ If so, you may have some problems here.” Talk about things like sending your children to public school versus private school, enrichment activities, and summer camp.

2. Establishing boundaries with your in-laws

“Spend time with each other’s families,” Yoo says. “What are your prospective spouse’s boundaries currently like with their parents and siblings, and can you live with that?”

Which family gets to spend which holiday together? I’m Jewish, and my husband is Catholic, so we’ve got the holidays on lock: His family gets Christmas break, and my family gets Thanksgiving break. What about the smaller holidays, like Mother’s Day? Will you give your families a key to your home and an open invitation to drop in?

It’s not just physical boundaries, either. How much access will you give your families to personal and emotional information? My mom and I tend to talk about everything. Does your partner feel strongly either way that some things are meant to be private, like financial struggle or marital conflict? Marriage is a great opportunity to create traditions and set precedents for your new family unit.

3. Handling religion

Religiously blended families are more frequently becoming the norm. But that doesn’t mean your individual families aren’t going to pressure you to raise your kids a certain way, and you probably have your own personal belief system and moral code to contend with too.

“Discuss your religious views with each other,” Yoo says. “If they differ, how do they differ? Do you expect your partner to change their religious views? What if you have children—what religious beliefs, if any, will you want to share with them? And even if you are the same religion, how do you want to practice this religion as a couple/family, if at all?”

Will your kid be baptized, circumcised, confirmed? What about religious education? On major holidays, my husband and I have switched off bringing our kids to services, but we always attend family traditions together. For example, I took the boys to Yom Kippur services this year without my husband, but he is always present for Passover Seder.

We’ve talked about flying to Jerusalem together as a family one day to visit the birthplaces of both of our religions. Think of your relationship as its own unique government body, and the two of you are solely responsible for its principles.

4. Distributing the dirty work

“Designate, designate, designate—or else you run the risk of finger-pointing,” Gabris says. As a married person, I will attest to this. My husband does all the sweeping and vacuuming, and I handle all the laundry. I make the kids’ breakfast each morning, while he brushes their teeth every night. We figured this out simply by agreeing to do the chore we hated least.

While it may not seem sexy or romantic to make rules around everything, creating some structure around chores actually allows for more spontaneity in the rest of your life, which is a component of a happy marriage. Imagine never having to talk about the dishes again? Hot.